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n estimated 30,177 United States service members and veterans (of which I nearly was the 30,178th) have died by suicide as compared with the 7,057 killed in post-9/11 war operations. [1] If this paragraph is the only paragraph you read, know that there is Hope, and let the simple fact that I am able to share these words serve as a testament to that hope. Every minute that we are here is a victory, a battle is won. Each tick that goes by, you and I have chosen to hold the line of life against death. You’re not alone in this fight.
Resources:
- For immediate help from a caring, skilled counselor, please call or text 988 | Website
- Mighty Oaks Program.
- There is Hope.
- Never Fight Alone.
Finding Light in the Darkness
A month after graduating from high school, I found myself on an airplane for the first time, headed to Recruit Training Command in Great Lakes, Illinois, to begin what I thought would be 20 years of service in the United States Navy. What I hadn’t anticipated, however, was facing one of the greatest challenges of my life—and it wasn’t those next three months in boot camp.
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My first year in the Navy was everything I’d hoped it would be. I made it through boot camp, graduated in the top five of my class in 'A' School, and arrived in Georgia ready to start my career in the fleet, deploying onboard fast-attack submarines. Those early months were full of learning and excitement. But after my first deployment, everything changed.
We had just pulled into the astonishing city of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates and checked into one of the best hotels I’ve ever stayed in. After months underwater, I had just finished my "Hollywood shower" and was getting ready to rejoin the guys for dinner. Then came a knock on the door. It was my Chief and Lieutenant. "Evanko, we need to talk," they said. They broke the news that my Aunt, who was like a second mother to me, had passed away. She died only days after we’d initially got underway, but I wasn't told the news until we pulled into port nearly three months later. Standing there in my room, I did everything I could to keep my composure, knowing I faced a long journey home—not just in distance, but through the thoughts in my head.
Struggling to Stay Afloat in a Sea of Hardship
This defining moment was the start of what felt like an endless sea of waves, each one pulling me deeper. Wave after wave, the blows kept coming—from an immediate family member nearly taking their own life, a close friend I served with tragically succeeding in ending his, my fiancée leaving me for someone else while I was on deployment, friendships broken, a painful lower back injury, and intense panic attacks that struck five to ten times a day. The weight of the water above me became too intense that I could barely breathe. Eventually, the panic attacks and the use of antidepressants unknowingly prevented me from not being able to serve onboard submarines. I lost all sense of direction, unraveling into a wake of chaos that touched every part of my life and everyone I encountered. My mind became fixated on taking my life. How could I do it? How could it wake others up? What's on the other side? A thousand questions raced through my mind, each one heavier than the last. Until one day I had enough, a gun in my hand, I tried, and by the grace of God alone, I was spared.
“There are far, far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.” - CS Lewis
Please don’t misunderstand—sharing my story isn’t an attempt to seek pity or attention. Rather, to reveal the pure, raw intensity that emerged in such a short span of time, showing that purpose can be discovered even in overwhelmingly intense moments. It is in these times that we are closest to life’s brightest light. Just as a single flashlight shines most vividly in total darkness, so too does our stories emerge strongest in our most challenging hours. Life’s beauty is in its interconnectedness, its ups and its downs. Much like a great movie, without challenge, growth, and the climactic victory, the story falls flat.
The power of my story lies not only in the achievements, accolades, or even in the love of my wife and four strong sons I am blessed with today, but also in the pain, anxiety, and suffering that have given me something meaningful to share with the world. It is a story that reflects the grace of God in my life, bearing witness to the strength found in a Creator that needs and desires us to walk alongside him.
By taking this step forward to share my story, I hope to encourage anyone reading this to speak freely about their struggles and share their story about their struggles and share their unique, significant story—one unlike any of the billions of others we each have. In sharing, we find connection and strength, reminding ourselves and others that we’re not alone. The path to healing and purpose starts by bringing the darkness to the light.
